


Not That Far

by AMillionYearsForWhat



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Joshpar, M/M, Senior year, Sex is mentioned, Slight Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-27 13:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5050522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMillionYearsForWhat/pseuds/AMillionYearsForWhat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh Pieters/Caspar Lee fanfic! They've been together since they were kids and now they're graduating. Caspar drops the bomb on Josh that he's moving to London and the world just kind of stops.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm slightly ignorant and only know the education system of America and it's something that's hard for me to wrap my head around, so if there's no "senior year" in South Africa and I incorrectly say that it's a big deal, so be it, but please don't give me shit because it's midnight and I have feelings!  
> The plot probably can't be that detailed due to the fact that I don't know the education system in South Africa and I have no concept of when they would be in the equivalent of "high school". Let's just play make-believe until I can update with the correct details.

**January 21**  
Josh and Caspar walk into school with smiles on their faces. Senior year had finally come along, them being top dogs of the school. In a year's time, they'll be independent with jobs they love and their names in lights. They had to get through this year before then. First term before then. First day of school before then.

Caspar walks into the building and finds Josh leaning against the janitor closet door, ankles crossed with a confident smile spread across his face, dimples resting beside his smirk, eyes crinkled when he spotted Caspar walking toward him. Josh leans up, adjusting his jacket as he opens the door to the closet, Caspar wordlessly following him in. The door locks and they start the year off right. 

**April 1**  
The door unlocks and Josh peeks out, making sure the hall is clear before they step out and check the time.  
"Lunch should be over in about 3 minutes," Josh says coolly, "Any idea what to do with our spare time?"   
His hands grab Caspar's sore, thoroughly fucked ass.  
"If you start, I won't be able to stop."   
"I'm not expecting you to stop, Caspar. Kind of why I keep you around."  
They go back in the closet and don't leave till it's time to go home. 

**May 6**  
They're having really rough sex after an awful test in Chemistry because Josh is _pissed off_ and Caspar is _loving_ every second of it. Josh's thrusts get more offbeat as he bottoms out and silences his groan into Caspar's neck who, in turn, gasps and grabs Josh's hair, legs tightening around him. "Fuck, I love this,"  
Josh whispers, earning a hum of agreement from Caspar.  
"I love you more, though."

Caspar stills, breath caught in his chest, panic rising in his throat, choking him until he can push Josh off of him, "You can't say that shit, man!"  
Josh can only stare at Caspar for a second.  
"What are you on about?"  
"You can't say you love me. A) We're best friends, B) we can't be gay."  
"Caspar, I just fucked you in the ass."  
"That doesn't mean I'm gay!"  
"There's nothing wrong with it. I'm gay, and you still care about me."  
"Yeah, well, not everyone gets to share their feelings all the time, alright? I don't get to suck your dick and feel happy and write it in a diary. I have to hide, Josh, and I can't do that when you're telling me you love me. It makes me want to hold your hand and kiss you like there's nothing wrong with it."

Caspar is shaking and Josh just wants to _hold him_ , to comfort him and tell him it's okay, but apparently it's not because as soon as he's dressed, Caspar rushes out of the closet. He isn't in fifth period.

\-----

He doesn't see Caspar again until the 30th  
when he catches him at the store with his mom on the day he skips school. "Look, there's Josh, Casp! Why don't you say hi!"  
"We're not exactly on speaking terms," Josh can hear from down the aisle, his head immediately dropping and his hands covering his eyes. 

"Morning, Mrs. Lee," Josh waves and fakes his best smile. She just gleams at him because she doesn't know he's gay for her son who has a problem with being gay.   
"Do you mind if Casp comes with me for a bit? I'll bring him home 'round half noon?"

Mrs. Lee allows it, hugging Caspar and whispering, "He's good for you, Cas, please make up."

The walk to Josh's car is silent, though there are so many things being said. Josh walks in time with Caspar, and Caspar hates it. He hates that connection, that immediate link, and he scratches his forearm to make the itching in his fingers go away, the itch to touch Josh and hold him and be with him.

The car smells of Josh's cologne, that rich smell that makes Caspar lose his mind. He has Caspar's flannel shirt on the passenger seat, the picture of them resting on his dashboard with the note that says "you're the worst! <3"  
-  
The night that picture was taken, Josh kissed Caspar on the forehead when he walked him home from their night out. Caspar remembers how Josh's lips were so soft, his nervousness evident but not visibly seen. He could see Josh's breath when he let out a small gasp of relief.  
-  
Caspar gets in the passenger seat, Josh already in the driver's side, staring at the steering wheel with such concentration, Caspar expected him to shoot lasers out of his eyes and burn through the car. "Where have you been, Casp?"

His head turns and tears fill his tired eyes, desperation not coming close to describing his expression, "I thought you hated me, Casp. I thought you hated gays and hated me and I couldn't fucking handle it, Casp."

"37 voicemails, Casp, not including the calls that I didn't leave messages. How many texts does it take? You could have been hurt, you could've-"

Caspar's lips are on his, and it's different than any kiss they've ever shared. It's not lustful nor fast and their lips just _fit_. Josh's hands immediately come up to Caspar's face, holding him as they kissed, and Caspar has to have Josh know-  
"I love you, too," he whispers, his forehead pressed against Josh's, thumbs tracing the tears on the other boy's face. Then Josh is sobbing and pretty much leaps into Caspar's arms, "I thought you hurt yourself, babe."

Caspar's heart leapt at the sound of the pet name and decided to wear it proudly. Josh leans up only to touch foreheads again, "Don't ever go a month without talking to me again, you fucking dickhead. I'm tempted to not forgive you."  
"But?"  
"But I love you so fucking much that it hurts."  
Caspar's smile comes back and laughter leaves his lips for the first time in a month. 

"Come back to school, Casp. They called your name for roll call and I nearly lost it. I had to leave class from panic attacks."

"First things first, Josh," Casp whispers, "I was so afraid.  
I don't want to be afraid anymore.  
Will you be mine?"


	2. Cleaning Out The Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, we're gay!"  
> Also, Caspar really doesn't want to talk about university.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who bothered to read my last chapter! I know Joshpar's a REALLY small ship since I'm 99% sure this is the first Joshpar fic. I appreciate it so much.

Term 3 starts when Caspar and Josh burst through the double doors of their school holding hands. Caspar's heart was racing, but the way Josh held his hand as if he was never going to let go gave him all the confidence he needed to make it to the lobby. One girl's face turned beet red, another immediately interested in her texts. A few guys did a double take before returning to their conversations, 75% quieter now. It's not like Caspar and Josh were the losers of the school; they were generally well-liked as Caspar played sports with the "in-crowd" growing up and stayed respectable. Josh used his humor to stop a lot of bullying he would've faced growing up. When he came out of the closet, the school almost rioted until he came into school wearing that shirt.

The shirt that had "I heart cock" on the front of it.

Then his fellow students had nothing to say. The silence felt _off_ , but it was better than the little whispers he'd hear behind him in the hall. 

And now they were the center of attention.

Caspar felt a pinprick in his neck and turned slightly to see a younger boy staring at them.

"Hey, guys," Caspar shouts in the middle of the lobby, earning the attention of every person, even as far 2 hallways over, "If you want pictures, go ahead and take 'em. While you take it, I'll introduce you to my boyfriend, Josh. If you dare to say something to either of us, I'll personally kick your ass."

Deafening silence came at them from every angle, but not a word was said. Caspar kissed Josh's cheek, leading him to the hall next to his first period.

Term 3 passes so quickly that it feels like it has only been a week since the announcement. Josh arrives at Caspar's house after school when Caspar is out sick.  
"Soup, juice, Internet, the best boyfriend in the world," Josh comments as he lies behind his boyfriend, fitting around him and draping his arm over Caspar protectively, "I don't know what else you could possibly want."  
"I want to not feel like shit, if you can somehow pull it off."  
Josh plants a kiss to Caspar's temple and snuggles his head into Casp's neck, "Of course I can, babe, I'm a magician."  
Caspar groans and leans into Josh's touch, "Tell me about your day, please."

Josh takes a second to go through the day before continuing, "Well, first period wasn't so great. I really wanted to stay home with you today, but since mom made me go, I was really bitter and might've been an asshole without meaning to.

"The rest of the day's kind of a blur, actually. At the end, we had an assembly over what we're doing after we graduate. It really made me think, actually,

"Do you know what you're doing after we graduate, babe?"

There's no response, and when Josh leans over, Caspar's eyes are shut and his breath is even and gentle. Kissing his boyfriend's cheekbone, Josh settles back behind Caspar, whispering an 'I love you' and falling asleep before he can realize Caspar was faking.

\--

When Caspar is better, there's a week left until end of term. Josh carries him through the hallway to his last class and kisses the corner of his mouth, "Find me in the hall, normal place, so we can sit together at the presentation."

"What presentation?" Caspar's feet hit the floor and his arms immediately find their way around Josh's waist.

He retaliates by leaning his head down to rest on Casp's."The one about university? They've been announcing it all day, babe?"

Caspar's heart stops for a second before pounding out of his chest, panic rising through his chest, he can't breathe, he can't breathe-  
"We should skip, babe! Get home while our parents are at work. No one but us,"

Josh starts to argue before Caspar grabs his ass, kissing Josh's neck to earn a slight shiver from the taller boy.

"My place or yours?"  
"I can't wait to go home. We have to do it here."  
"Are you insane? Caspar, we're in school-"  
"We can go into the dressing room for the drama club. I have the keys and no one will find us."

His boyfriend nearly refuses before Caspar bites a sensitive part of his neck, sucking the spot to create a lovebite. 

They fuck as roughly as they can tonight, especially since they can overhear the presentation and Caspar's not having _any of it._


	3. How far?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom.

The final term of their senior year starts with 20 minutes of announcements: graduation, prom, finals - and it's all killing Caspar. He has this metallic taste in his mouth and his facial expressions make him look like he's about to get into a fight.

And then he does.

The kid accidentally steps on Caspar's toe in the hallway and was halfway through an apology until he got a fist to the face. The kid was young, only a sophomore, and people quickly cleared a circle around them. Caspar realized too late that the kid's sister had her fist coming straight for his face. He woke up an hour later as they finished up his stitches. "It wouldn't have been bad if you hadn't scraped your jaw on the edge of the lockers," the doctor said simply, leaving Caspar to stare at the fluorescent lights blinding him from above.

As soon as he gets home, there's a Josh in his living room and he has that look on his face. The _don't you dare say anything right now_ look that Caspar knew too well. Josh flinched at the sight of the stitches, but hugged Caspar anyway, his head resting on Caspar's. He wanted to be as close to him as possible, as _with him_ as he could be. Josh whispers into Caspar's hair, "If you didn't have stitches, I'd smack the hell out of you."

Caspar's mum makes them hot chocolate and Josh lets Caspar invade his personal space when he curls up in Josh's lap and lets his head rest on Josh's shoulder. He falls asleep like that, warm and content; the numbness of his jaw humming as he goes under.

\--

Caspar's never been into prom. He thinks it's an excuse to blow huge amounts of money for a night that can be just as memorable somewhere that's not crowded. Josh, on the other hand, begs Caspar to go, who initially denies him but can't resist the "no more kisses until you go to prom with me". Kisses come first. Always. 

So when Caspar opens his front door and sees Josh in a suit for the first time in years, he's hypnotized. The jacket fits perfectly on Josh's broad shoulders, the dress pants showing off his ass like it was for sale, the skinny tie Windsor-knotted on his chest - it's all a bit much for Caspar, who stands there for a good 2 minutes before letting him in. Josh fixes Caspar's boutonnière and pushing Caspar's hair out of his face. 

"You look perfect."  
"You are perfect."

Caspar lets himself kiss Josh on the cheek before their mums take pictures. He had loved him since they were freshman and now they were seniors, almost graduating, almost time to leave him-

Caspar stops himself. Not the time for that. Not now. 

\--  
As Caspar predicted, Prom was crowded, but not as uncomfortably as he had thought. Josh hasn't let go of his hand since they got out of the car and Caspar thinks that they're just going to stand there until there's a hand on his lower back. Before he can think about it, there are two. Josh has already pulled Caspar close to him, in a slow sway to the time of Ed Sheeran's "Kiss Me". Caspar melts into his touch, his head falling to Josh's shoulder and his arms wrapped around Josh's neck. 

They're surrounded, but it's just _them_ and it's perfect. 

"I love you, Caspar."  
Caspar lifts his head to stare into Josh's eyes, "Not nearly as much as I love you, Josh."

Their mouths lock in a warm embrace and the world stops. The two start with small kisses, chaste, but with so much love that it's almost the most intimate kiss they've ever had. Almost. The music swells up and they're closer than they've ever been, Caspar's hands coming up to rest on Josh's cheeks. The kiss is so intense that it's almost _too much_ and Josh can't _deal with this_ because he loves Caspar _so much_ that he has to do it, he has to say it now.

"I love you, Caspar Lee," Josh starts.  
"I love you, too, Joshua Pieters."  
"How would you feel about being Caspar Pieters?"  
And before Caspar can comprehend what's going on, there's Josh on one knee and a silver wedding band in a box, and Caspar almost feels like he's been punched in the gut.

"I have loved you since day one, Casp. We were four years old and you were my best friend, and I never knew why I was so jealous when you had someone else for a science project or why I wanted to kiss you when you laughed. Caspar, I want you forever. My best friend, the love of my life, if you take this ring, I will never let you go. I am yours until the end of time regardless. Maybe you want be mine, as well."

"Josh, how the hell did you get that ring?"  
"I saved up for it. I was going to sell my soul, but my hair's quite a bit too red for that,"  
"How much was it?"  
"Casp-"  
"How much?"  
"15 thousand rands."  
"You spent 15,000 rands on an engagement ring, Josh; are you serious?"  
"I'm on my knee, aren't I?"

Inhale. 

"I'm going to London."  
Josh blinks at him.  
"What?"  
"After graduation. I'm going to London."  
"When will you be back?"  
"I don't think I will."

Josh puts his free hand on the ground to steady himself, "You're moving to London."

An unintentional whimper leaves Caspar's mouth as the tears fight their way out onto his cheek, "I got an offer from this YouTuber up there to be his flatmate. He's really successful and he said my channel would grow."

Josh doesn't respond until his eyes close, "How far?"

"I don't know,"

"How fucking far, Caspar?!"

Caspar sniffles, but remains wordless.

"I'm looking it up," Josh digs out his phone and types at a speed Caspar has never seen before.

"Josh, please-"

"I am looking it up and you are going to look me in the eyes when I tell you that you will be 13,663 kilometers away from me. It would take me 105 days to walk to you. And you know the worst part, Caspar, is that I'm such a fucking _fool for you_ that I would do it."

 

Caspar can't move, can't talk, can't _breathe_ -

"Take the ring, Caspar. Just fucking remember me, for fuck's sake."

And he's gone.


End file.
